Who blesses the blessmen?

A few years ago I came across a few hand-painted billboards in Visakhapatnam, my hometown. They were about this pastor, Reverend J., who can "bless and heal" people (not for free of course).

This was what the billbords said -

"Blessings from Rev J., the one who successfully condemned 'International Bestseller The Da Vinci ' in AMERICA" ( he meant The Da Vinci Code, the book)

His pedigree caught my interest, primarily because it left me guessing about his intentions.

Successfully condemned? Hmm.. okay, apparently he was expecting defamation charges from Da Vinci .. oops.. Dan Brown, but did not face any.

International Bestseller? Now.. isnt that praise?

AMERICA...bold letters. Didn't he get this one right; Rev. J sure knows what gets him a crowd's attention in India. His Highness should be in marketing.

A few weeks later I found Rev.J blessing me through my TV set and urging me to buy a collection of his songs and prayers. I was pretty sure that they were of his own composition because I was subjected to a sneak preview of the CDs and cassettes.

He looked really well off.. blessed are the blessers, I guess.

(the title of this post is a tweak on one of my favorite lines - Who watches the Watchmen)

Overheard

"Boring party isn't it? Hope I'm not intruding but I see you've been keeping to yourself Mr.. ?"

"Zungenbrecher"

"Zun.. what?"

"Zungenbrecher"

"Umm .. well, you see Mr Zun .."

"Are you mocking my name Sir?"

"Noo ..not at all.. haha. Its just a little twisty. What do your friends call you?"

"Scioglilingua Zungenbrecher"

"Alright..what does someone close, say your wife, call you?"

"My wife.. (sigh).. she cannot call me anything"

"Ohh... I seem to be asking all the wrong questions. I'm very sorry for your loss "

"What did I lose?"

"I meant your wife's passing away"

"Thats my wife, standing over there in that ridiculous dress she made me buy for an exorbiant price"

"What..? but you said she cannot..? Ohh.. you meant she's a mute"

"Yup. Dumb"

"Anyway, can I call you by your initials, SZ?"

"Only my wife calls me SZ"

"But she's dumb for heaven's sake"

"Who the hell are you calling my wife dumb, huh?"

"Sorry..I meant no disrespect. I was only reminding you that she is a mute"

"Like I needed reminding. I've been living with that dumb bimbo for the last 10 years"

"I see Mr.SZ"

"I'm sorry mister, I don't remember marrying you. But I do remember telling you that *only* my wife calls me SZ, understand?"

"Not really.. no, but thats okay, I think I'll go get myself a drink"

"Oh.. so now you want to get away, after all this"

"After all what?!"

"After you've learnt all this about me"

"What have I learnt?"

"You tell me. You are one eyeing my wife"

"Eyeing ..What?! No..! Whats with you?"

"You were asking me about her, werent you?"

"I was asking about you too.."

"Me too..? Perv, what is this.. some kinda sick fantasy involving married couples?"

"I am married too.. happily married in fact. You got me all wrong"

"Great! So your wife's gonna join us too."

Author's note -

Scioglilingua : Italian

Zungenbrecher : German

Tongue-Twister : English

F 13 & frustrated

I have an acute sense of hearing. I reckon it is God's way of compensating me for my other disabilities. The reason I mention it is, I was pricked awake by a slight clattering of dishes early in the morning today. Mom was preparing breakfast for Dad, who leaves early for work. I went to the kitchen to check on her.

"Stay out, Hema!", Mom commanded me even as I barely entered the kitchen.

"Move out of the way!!", Dad shouted as he escorted me out with a forceful shove.

The shove - not the first of its kind - did not hurt. However, I couldn't help thinking why I've never seen Dharma being shoved away or shouted at when he enters the kitchen. He is even allowed to eat at their table.

By the way, Dharma is my 18-year old foster-brother and Mom and Dad are actually my foster-Mom and foster-Dad.

Let me set some facts straight: Firstly, I am not an abused child. I was raised by my foster parents ever since my own mom passed away. I have never seen my real dad.

Raising me isn't easy considering my disabilities - at 13, I cannot understand most of what people speak and hence can neither read nor write. I cannot even do my chores without assistance. Maybe they do love me as their daughter after all; they even named me after their favorite matinee idol, Hema Malini.

As you can guess, I'm virtually unemployable and hence stay indoors most of the day. Mom believes that a little sunlight and exercise does me good, so she insists that I go along whenever we fetch necessities from the neighborhood vendor. So far, the sunlight hasn't improved anything but I enjoy these short walks in the morning.

I went back to my bedroom and proceeded to wake up Dharma. He is the one usually sent on errands.

I hate the vegetables vendor because he stinks and calls me names. The pervert also whistled at me a few times when nobody was around. To avoid him, I started wandering and surveying around, while my brother was busy haggling with him. That was when I ran into Amit.

Amit, the neighborhood hunk, has a reputation as the local casanova and no one has ever been known to be able to resist his charms. He tried to catch my attention a couple of times before, but Dharma was beside me on all those occasions and Amit always maintained a safe distance.

However today, emboldened by the fact that Dharma was not observing and out of ear-shot, Amit got obscenely close to me and started making amorous advances. I resisted at first, but his proximity was too overwhelming. My modesty disallows me from going into the details, so let me just say this: I closed my eyes and started letting my immoral teenage fantasies come true.

A flash of light brought me back to my senses and I saw Amit retreating quickly from the scene. My brother was standing right beside me and delivered me one more of his tight slaps - another flash of light. Overcome by shame, I ran back home crying. Fortunately Dharma did not mention the incident to Mom. I, however, haven't gathered the courage to look him in the eye since morning.

It is 5 p.m. now. The phone is ringing.

I see Dharma picking it up and speaking in a hushed voice:

"Hey Beautiful.. whats up"

"No Dear.. cannot make it to the movie today. I promised Mom that I'd help her give a bath to Hema"

"Ha.. ha.. don't get too jealous. Hema is our 13-yr old sexually-frustrated pet Labrador"

"Yeah.. today she tried romancing our neighbour's dog right infront of me. I mean, how outrageous can things get: Hema Malini seduced by Amitabh right infront of Dharmendra"

as you sow, so shall They reap [part 2]

Here goes the change-yourself-HOWTO :

1

Give up absurd fears.

Fear is one of the primary reasons for our indifference towards animals.

Assure yourself that the most dangerous, merciless, psychotic, predatory animal around is you.

2

Feel like buying leather?

Think of a skinned snake writhing on the ground as it is being eaten alive by ants. This is a fact. Snakes are skinned after stunning them and their bodies are tossed away. More often than not, they regain consciousness.

Fight this mindset - Cruelty that I do not see is okay.

Once you are done fighting, start scowling at anyone showing off their leather goods.

3

Be productive at work, not at home - go for 1 kid per home

4

Minimize wastage. Understand that it is not a question of affordability.

Water: Do not walk away from a leaking tap ever. Stop thinking that it is not your problem; it will be someday.

Food: Overeating fills you up, but your body can only absorb so much. Don't make me tell you where the rest ends up. Never overeat!

Energy: Prefer pedals to accelerators.

5

Resolve to plant a tree before you buy a car.

Its even better if you plant a couple of trees before you buy a car.

It would be awesome if you plant a couple of trees and do not buy a car.

6

Avoid excessive consumerism.

Change cell-phones only as often as you change wives.

Think twice before asking for free gifts. They are not free!

Understand the difference between wants and needs

7

Stop being ignorant.

Read about bottom-trawling.

Find out what factory farming is.

Know about downed cows.

Watch "The Cove" (It won this year's Oscar for Best Documentary).

8

Do not be cynical or shy

Do your part however small it is; be it switching off your office PC or reusing polythene bags. You may not be remembered as Mr.Greenpeace but at least it will put your kids in the right track and lets them start their life sensibly.

Throughout history there has been something that has been giving us all we need, and throughout history we have been taking it for granted and ignoring it though we stand right on it.

Save it. Only 1 left

as you sow, so shall They reap [part 1]

A century ago India had around 40,000 tigers; they are down to 1411 now. What happened to the rest? Well... a few of them died of sickness or old age. The lucky ones.

Once dangerous, now endangered.

Sparrows have an eye for healthy living spaces. Do you hear any twitters around your home nowadays? Same goes with vultures too... when was the last time you saw one?

Sparrows and vultures aren't as popular as tigers, hence their absence goes largely unnoticed.

The key to sustenance is co-existence.

However humans, the most rational of all life forms, prefer 'sole-existence'. Hence extinction is no longer a natural phenomenon, its our favorite pass-time. We exhibit such passion and commitment that today the average extinction rate is one species every 20 minutes.

So how does life go on with so many broken links in the circle of life? Simple... it doesn't.

Every life form directly dependent on an extinct species gets the next one-way ticket upwards.

Humans however, have always managed to find workarounds. Not for long though; Momma Nature has got lots in store - melting icecaps, decreasing land mass, thinning glaciers - all geared towards minimizing 'the' problem... us.

Feeling a little low? Alright, let me cheer you up with some good news : By the time things turn real nasty, we wouldn't be around. Our kids however, will be around to see the end^[1] of oil wars^[2] and the begin of water wars. Not such a bad deal, is it? We do the deed, they pay for it.

A few decades from now, life would be radically different from what we have seen; definitely not for the better.

"Its never too late"

That is a terrible cliché and I would be lying if I said that. We can however leave our kids a world they can manage with - imperfect, but up and running.

Lets change... not from Monday, not from new year's day... now.

^[1] an end caused by oil depletion, not by dawn of morality

^[2] oil-wars are known to us by a different name: war against terror. This name makes it sound ethical and just

to be concluded in Part 2

Is Avatar 'Hurt' ?

How do you feel about The Hurt Locker trumping Avatar at the Oscars?

The Hurt Locker, which I guess refers to a minefield, is a cinematic fix for your adrenaline cravings. This is one of those rare movies that generates genuine thrills. It understands that the thrill is not in the explosion, rather, it is in those few seconds before the explosion. It is in the uncertainty. It is in the anticipation. The movie drags the audience into the hot-zone from scene one. You aren't just watching the bomb getting defused - you are in there ! sweating, throbbing and most-likely, praying.

HL proves that Kathryn Bigelow's flair for action-thrillers, first showcased in the cult-hit Point Break(1991), is only getting better with age. Her Best-Director Oscar is truly well-earned.

That being said, Oscar or no Oscar, Avatar is the best picure. Period. No matter what the Academy thinks, people know it for what it is. It isn't just a movie - it is an experience.

Pretty dumb guys at the Academy, huh? Well, what do you expect from the guys who liked Shakespeare in Love better than Saving Pvt. Ryan in 1998. But this time, I am not disappointed with their judgement. Sample this:

Case -1 : Avatar wins the Best-Pic Oscar

Consequences:

- Another laurel to Avatar which is already at the pinnacle of success

- Obscurity to HL

Case-2 : Avatar does not win the Oscar

Consequences:

- Not as-much-as a dent on Avatar's glory

- HL receives the recognition it deserves, plus, a valuable lesson taught to distributors

It is a crying shame that no major distributors wanted HL because of its low budget and supposedly-low commercial value. The movie is now going to enjoy a wider distribution thanks to its Best Picture Oscar.

Caution to viewers -

- HL is not a date-movie. In fact, I think its a guys-only movie.

- Are you a Transformers fan? Keep out and watch Power Rangers on Pogo.

And lastly, my ratings for the best of 2009 -

1. Avatar ... 9.5/10

2. Inglourious Basterds, District9 ... 8.5/10

3. Hurt Locker ... 8/10

(Haven't watched A Serious Man, Up in the Air yet)

The Cure-all

An army general busy in his work is constantly being disturbed by his kid son. To avoid this, the general comes up with a task to keep his son occupied - he tears up a world map into many pieces and asks his son to rearrange it. Hoping that it would keep his son busy for the rest of the afternoon, the general continues with his work.

Half an hour later, his son comes back showing him the correctly rearranged map.

The surprised general asks, "How did you do it so quickly? "

The son answers, "At first I tried piecing-up the world together, which would have taken a lot of time, but then I found the picture of a man on the back of the map. So, all I had to do was set the man right and the world became all right"

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I did not like this fable the first time I read it in The Hindu a long time back. But back then, I did not know the difference between a fable and a story. Also, it was boringly titled 'First step to changing the world is changing yourself' or something like that. So, its okay if you don't like this post - you are just being immature, stupid, idiotic and moronic :P