Why I had my name changed - a not-so-short story

Chapter-1 : The Jerks

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"Why are we stopping? We aren't there yet"

"We are"

"You kidding? This looks like anything but a movie theatre. I thought you mentioned PVR"

"I did, when I said that we are not going to PVR. Now Aamir, stop complaning and get yours off the bike"

We are seated in the third row from the screen.

"Wow .. this gotta be the shittiest theatre in Bangalore" he says looking around.

A few faces turn towards us.

"Keep it down, shit-face !!" I try to whisper. More faces turn, evoking laughter from him.

"Why did we not go to PVR? enlighten me Vasu, please"

"This is much nearer to home"

"PVR is a 10 minute ride from here. You call that 'far'?"

"Yeah .. far .. by my yardstick"

"In that case, your yardstick isn't a yard long. It must be something reeeally small" he says amidst uncontrollable laughter and suggestive gestures.

"If you don't shut up, I'll stick a broomstick ..." Fortunately, the profanities that followed got lost in the sound as the movie started to play.

The movie is pretty routine stuff -

Poor-and-hunky hero rescues rich-and-curvy heroine from a severely under-fed villain by bashing him up. They then fall for each other (the guys are straight, in case you are getting ideas).

The rich (would be) pa-in-law and (would-be) ma-in-law are not happy. So, the poor hero leaves and promises her to be back when he is rich enough.

INTERMISSION

I'm sure anyone who has seen enough clichéd movies can guess how this ends. Here's my guess:

The heroine waits and waits and waits for the hero. A couple of weepy songs and 5 years later, she dies. Probably of over waiting (or over-weighting). The hero, who is poorer than 5 years earlier, comes to know of it. With a heavy heart he goes to her home, bludgeons the rich (could-have-been) dad-in-law, pushes the paraplegic (could-have-been) mom-in-law over the stairs, eats the fish in their aquarium, bites the pet dog but leaves the (could-have been) sister-in-law unharmed whom he later marries and becomes rich as he had promised his beloved. It ends in a feel-good-melodramatic way with the heroine being reborn as their pet dog (or a fish, perhaps?).

"The sis-in-law is hot, isnt she?" Aamir says, standing up and turning backwards.

"Yeah. Too bad, she hardly has any screen-time"

"She should have an item song at least in the second-half.. she's got a lot of potential just waiting to be .."

"Lets go get some snacks" I say abruptly, to stop him tapping in the air.

"No.. you get them. I 'll wait here"

A little later, I return with the snacks and see him standing and smiling at someone in the back. I follow his gaze and see Anil, our colleague at Coolsoft, coming towards us.

"What's wrong with you? Why did you call him here?"

"I didn't. Why are you scared of him anyway?"

"I am not scared dumbo! Its just that he is kind of nerdy, doesn't understand stuff and .. what the hell is he wearing? Is that a shirt?"

"Dont be rude!"

"Ohh! sorry Aamir.. didn't notice that he is suddenly your best buddy"

"I'll handle him. Just dont be rude"

"I'll try. Don't expect me to laugh at his jokes, okay?"

"Okay. Don't laugh at him either"

"He wouldn't know the difference. Alright, hide the snacks somwh .." I freeze as I feel a hand over my shoulder and turn around towards Anil's smiling face.

"Heyyy ya .. whats up? Here have some snacks" I offer him with an almost genuine smile.

"No, thanks. I'm allergic to fries"

I draw back quickly with a look of almost genuine concern.

"Nice shirt, by the way. The designer must have gotten really high"

".. on originality" fills in Aamir, giving me a cold stare at the same time.

"Thanks. Can you believe it, I grabbed it for like 80% discount"

"Unbelievable ! No way!!" I cry out.

Aamir turned around and is choking with laughter.

Believe me, I am not always this cruel.

Chapter-2 : The Nerd

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( narrated by Anil )

Vasanth and Aamir - once schoolmates, college-mates, and now colleagues, roommates - are as inseparable as they get. Cool and friendly guys with a phenomenal sense of humour, its fun to have them around.

I am glad that they liked my shirt - its a welcome change from every other guy advising me against wearing it.

"You okay Aamir? Sounds like you are choking"

"I'm fine Anil..thank you"

"So, who were you searching for back there? You did not notice me the first time I waved at you" I ask him.

"Searching? ...when? "

"Just a moment ago.. dont tell me you have forgotten already"

"No .. really.. I wasn't"

"Seems like somebody is having a sudden bout of anemia .. ha.. ha.. ha"

"Ha.. ha.. ha..You mean amnesia, dont you Anil?" asks Vasanth, stopping his laughter abruptly.

"No.. anemia. I'm almost sure thats the word"

"Almost sure..? Dude .. you are freakin' hilarious"

"Shut up Vasu, you ain't a freakin' doctor ha.. ha.. ha.." says Aamir laughing out inappropriately loud.

"True, I ain't a doctor. But I ain't stupid either!! ohh.. no offence Anil"

"What..? I... ohh.. no no.. none taken. I guess I am wrong"

"You bet"

"Alright, I better go back to my seat, or are there any empty ones beside yours?"

"No Anil, this row is packed"

"Okay. Catch you guys after the movie then". With that, I start towards my seat.

My pace suddenly slows down and heartbeat quickens. Am I seeing things or is there a girl in my seat?

There is indeed a girl - I can see other guys stealing glances at her.

I hover around, avoiding eye contact with her, looking for empty seats.

"Excuse me.. hey"

"Yes?"

"Am I in your seat?"

"No.. I mean yeah, but its okay"

"Of course its not okay. I'm sorry. This one's taken too?" she askes me, pointing to the seat beside mine.

"Yes. Dont worry, I'm sure I can find some empty ones at the corner over there"

"No.. no.. thats not fair"

The guy sitting next to me arrives at the same time.

"Hello sir.. can you please sit over there at the front? We have met after a long time and wanna catch up with each other". She is good, I half-believed her myself.

"Thats not fair either" I say to her as he leaves.

Yeah.. its okay as long as he doesn't realize it"

"Ha.. ha.. you know, for a moment there when I saw you in my seat, i thought I was at the wrong place.. like maybe I was having a sudden bout of ane..amnesia"

"He..he..he..you are funny". Her laughter is divine like everything else about her.

"You liked the movie so-far?' I want to keep the conversation going notwithstanding the fact that the movie has started.

"Yeah.. in my own way"

"Hows that?"

"You remember the father-in-law daring the hero to become rich? Well, his expressive face seemed to convey that he was either in labour or severely constipated. These inept actors have me in splits. Dont you think so?"

"Yeah.. but isn't it sad though, being bad at what you do and being too old to do anything about it? Maybe he sticks to acting out of neccessity"

"Hmm..You are such a softie, aren't you Anil? making me feel guilty too .. you are spoiling my fun!!"

"I'm sorry"

"You shouldn't be apologetic either"

"I shouldn't?"

"Nope. You are single, aren't you?"

"Yes"

"See? proves my point. Try being a little meaner and tougher, girls will croon over you"

"Meaner and tougher?"

"Yeah. The next time you feel like fondling a cute little baby .. dont! Pinch its rear; that way the mom cannot find out why its crying"

"What??"

"The next time you are about to slow down your bike to allow a friendly old grandpa to cross the road .. dont!"

My face must have involutarily registered an expression of horror and disbelief because she broke in to giggles.

"My..!! you should see the look on your face. Dont you get it? I was kidding. You are sooo slow! he.. he.. he "

"Thank God.. I was beginning to get scared"

"He..he..he.. I'm sorry, but you are slow. Anyway, what do I know? I thought I was slow until I was asked to slow down.. get it?

"Ha..ha..Yes!!".

Actually, No.

I dont get it. I dont get a lot of what she speaks. But that doesn't bother me - I get to see her directly in her eyes as long as she is speaking. Thankfully, she speaks a lot.

The second-half of the movie seemed a little too short.

Chapter-3: The Cupids

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"Sucks" I cry out as the movie gets over.

The overlong second-half took me completely by surprise and left me dismayed -

The hero returns back rich.

The poor sister-in-law dies helping them get married. Forget about her item song, she doesn't even survive. Can you believe that??!

The item song needs special mention. They flew in someone (or something) called Rocky Savanth for it. For some reason, I am pretty sure that underneath all the make-up and other artificiality, she is actually a he. I know I'm being a little rude here. Which guy would allow himself to be dressed up like that? My apologies to all the guys out there.

My best guess? She is from Mars.

"Don't move so quickly Aamir, we can't risk bumping into Anil at the exit"

"He should be the least of our worries... look at the people around us" he whispers.

I look around and see the victims of our theatre etiquette staring at us with contempt.

We avoid a confrontation (possibly violent) by hurrying to the exit.

a couple of months later...

"Hey Aamir, is that Anil over there?

"Seems like him"

"Alright, keep walking. Don't look at him"

"It is him..wait Vasu.. is that a chick with him?"

"What? No way" I turn and observe that there is indeed a girl on phone, dangerously close to Anil.

"Hey.. Aniiill" I shout to him. He jerks his head towards us, smiles and motions us towards him. That is unnecessary of course, we are already on our way.

"Whats up dude .. long time huh?"

"Long time indeed Vasanth. Hi Aamir. How are you guys doing"

"Good. So, what are you up to? Shopping alone?'

"No Vasanth, I'm with Lina". He is pointing to the girl.

I regret asking the question. I would have felt a whole lot better not knowing the answer. That would have just left me curious, not crushed like I am now.

"Woww!! Good for you"

"Thanks Vasanth. I met her in the theatre that day". He tells us all about how he was romancing Lina while we were busy watching Rocky Savanth.

"Where was she until the intermission? Was she an hour late for the movie?" I ask.

"No..no. She was sitting somewhere in one of the front rows. Apparently, two foul-mouthed and loud-mouthed guys in the row behind her wouldn't stop bickering the whole time over trivialities. So she moved on upwards during the break. She calls them jerks, I call them cupids"

Forget the cat... curiosity is going to kill me someday.

Chapter-4 : Whats in a name?

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"He and his 'bout of amnesia' ... so she fell for that dumb joke huh?" I mutter as we take leave of Anil and his precious.

"So thats what you think... that he floored her with that joke? Let me assure you Vasu, girls aren't half as dumb as you are".

"I wish I had not corrected him. He would have made an ass of himself with his anemia". I mutter on unmindful of Aamir.

"So now you are taking credit for them being together?"

"Shut up Aamir! The credit goes to you. You were the one who called him to our seats, remember?"

"It wasn't me.. he found me when I was looking backwards"

"Oh yeah .. so who was it you were searching for back then?"

"Actually, I was looking for good-lookin' chicks. You see, the front rows give a great view of the people at the back and the elevated rows makes sure that nobody gets left behind. All you need is to pretend as if you are searching for someone. Its a great trick, you should try it once"

"I did try it once" I say smiling after a long time.

"And..?"

"I found my Dad staring right back at me from three rows behind"

"No kidding... what happened next?"

"Nothing. Honor among thieves. You see, I was supposed to be at my college and he was supposed to be at his office"

"Woww Vasu !! Woww!! how come you never told me this. This is so cool... now let me tell you the coolest thing"

"What?"

"Remember the marriage alliance proposal I got some time back? I even showed you her photo..."

"Yeah.. the one that looked like a retard, right? Whats her name again?"

"Raima. Turns out she ain't retarded, and I happen to like her and decided to go ahead with the alliance. So Vasu, SHUT YOUR BLOODY TRAP!!!

"Whoa... chill dude... I didn't know she is "the" one. Congratulations"

"I am not finished yet. Do you notice anything with the names : Anil-Lina, Aamir-Raima ?"

"Apart from being seriously boring names? Ahh... anagrams! thats a pretty cool observation Aamir!"

"Yup. Now, coming to the so-cool-its-almost-freezing part... guess what your name turns up Vasanth"

Savanth !!!

I go by the name Chaitanya these days.

Epilogue

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Times of India

1-Apr-2010

"In an unprecedented show of fame-craving, Rocky Savanth gets engaged to Vasanth Barka on a reality show. Commenting on the occasion, a visibly elated Ms.Savanth said, 'I am very happy that I found my Bakra'

Fans of the show however, are unhappy that the show has ended and are insisting for sequels - Rocky's Vivaah, Rocky's ... (more on page 3) "

The End

*** Disclaimer 1 ***

This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to people dead or undead is purely intentional.

*** Disclaimer 2 ***

My apologies to anyone unintentionally offended by this work. I assure that the next time would be intentional.